July 22nd, 2002

Salt Precaution

Oh! Although I'm not Bullet-head from the East

When you're asking someone a fairly forward question, does it help to phrase the question in four words? Thereby making it not only a forward question, but also a four-word question as well?

Questions like, "Will you marry me?" ,"Do you seek death?" ,"Are you my mother?" ,"Can I go home?", or, "Would you fuck off?"

I just had a NICE little glass of green tea. I am flabbergasted by how a glass of cold, strong, unsweetened green tea can make my soul feel clean, giving me the momentary, but utterly complete delusion of possessing a clean soul! Yay!!!

This was after a bowl of Mexican refried beans mixed with American cheese. The flavours seemed meant for each other, and were tasty at the time--but--blech!--thick n' sticky n' sweet! Ock! I wish to discuss the meal no more!

Suffice to say, the tea was a very welcome thing indeed.

Oh events that transpire. My friend Magious's mum gave me a bunch of Starbucks gift cards she got for free from her work--each one not labelled with its amount. Each card could be anywhere between one and a hundred dollars.


So I started watching Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon to-day, only the screen was too small! I despaired and gave up to watch Mullholland drive instead--only ambient noises became too noisy--which sucks when you're watching a David Lynch movie! It's true! But NO ONE BELIEVES ME!!

I keep saying Lynch USES silences, so if you take them away from him, you (I'm crying) mess up his film! No one understands though . . . Like my aunt, they all think you can insert any old comment or full-blown one-sided conversation any old time. And sometimes I try to explain to people, and they nod like they understand, and then later turn out to have NOT understood! (screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam!!!)

I wonder where Cryptess and Richard are? I don't know even if they're in Oregon still. I wonder if they tried calling Trisa's cell phone like I told 'em to?

I saw some kids at the mall today--three of 'em--sitting on a bench and opening some brand new action figures they'd bought today. Made me feel so nostalgic that I accidentally began smiling at this very pretty red-lipped girl walking my way. She was smiling too, but upwards so I think she was smiling at the gods. But who knows? Anyway, how could I explain to her that I really wasn't smiling at her but at some foolish little cosy memory prompted up the drainage in the gutter of my brain to glitter in the sun for a bit?

Ah the luck oriented occurrences in life. And it leaves me with one thing to say--but repeatedly--at 3 in the morning;

Soip, soip, soip, soip . . .
  • Current Music
    Jack Kerouac - On the Road (as performed by Tom Waits)
Salt Precaution

A disquieting sensation

There's something worse, I think, about a person becoming distant from you because they've simply become bored with you than if you had simply insulted them very severely.

It's not a tangible emotion where you can grasp it and hold on to it. It's something without shape or contour or even substance, like a fog of negative space.

You question your worth, or rather, your meaning. For no reason at all, seemingly, you change from one day being someone's ice cream to the next day being that someone's porridge. Not bad or hateful. Just an unnecessary drudgery.

Yet you know at the same time that it's very likely that after awhile, this same disinterested person will probably switch on their interest again, after other, more interesting stimuli have been removed, or when specific occasions arise wherein it would be preferable to be interested in you.

Makes you wonder what's real, I guess. Makes you wonder if some of the things you took for fact were actually delusions, and makes you wonder if you really have the right to expect some of the things that you find yourself to have expected.

It makes you lonely--not only because someone who was there for you, spiritually, is no longer there, but also because the possibility that it was never anything real to begin with, occurs to you.

At the same time you're feeling like an old toy that has been put aside as interest passes, you begin to look at everything in your life as merely toys, with no more meaning than that, the pleasures they arouse no more than fleeting, temporary fancies. And because you want something that lasts, and everything looks impermanent, you wonder what the point is with dealing with these toys any longer.

How can you possibly enjoy them again?

Maybe the horrifying thing is that you in fact do.
  • Current Music
    The Cure - Siamese Twin