Ha. Just perusing the journals of some of the guys that haunt trisa's journal in the basic mode of "What do these guys have that I don't have?" which, I know, is a glaringly unhealthy mindset. So, since the exercise did not yield anything particularly useful other than, "Most strangers are uncannily dull" maybe I should drift away from that subject . . .
But you know, maybe the fact that I think they're dull is just an indicator of my cluelessness to what's so cool about them. On the other hand, maybe the only difference between me and them for trisa is that they haven't pissed her off enough yet to be banned from her journal.
Okay. I shall now move on.
Also on my mind of late is the conversation trisa and I had at Denny's on Saturday night (okay, so I keep talking about trisa, but the girl means a lot to me, and she just clipped me out of her life with a big spiritual middle finger so I think I'm somewhat justified).
She asked me, "Do you have a plan?"
It gave me a weird, slight feeling of deja vu. Not sure why.
Anyway, my usual answer to that sort of question is something like, "Of course not," because I don't believe in making plans or goals. Life's always changing, and so are what's available. I mostly live for sensations.
But I was feeling a little out of it on Saturday night, so I kinna just gave a stuttery, confused version of the above response. And I tacked onto it that I'd like to get published one day, which I would.
After telling her that, she said something like, "And? You get published and what else?"
That really stumped me. Puts me in the mind of No Control by David Bowie;
If I could control tomorrow's haze
The darkened shore wouldn't bother me
If I can't control the web we weave
My life will be lost in the fallen leaves
Every single move's uncertain
Don't tell God your plans
It's all deranged
I should live my life on bended knee
If I can't control my destiny
You've gotta have a scheme
You've gotta have a plan
In the world of today, for tomorrow's man
I thought about it, and finally told her I'd like to find a girl was as obsessed with me as I with her. I should have said just that I'd like someone who loved me back. That's been a problem for me. I've fallen for a number of girls, but I've yet to have one feel that way back at me.
So, yeah, the conversation's been going through my head quite a bit, and I've been thinking about whether or not my simplistic goals are truly as reflective of an unwell mind as a large consensus of people seem to believe they are.
I've decided that no, they're not.
In fact, it's everyone else that's wrong. Improbable, you say? Perhaps. But you see, my belief is that others are just secretly dismayed that I'm trying to live according to my own ways and desires, and not by the precepts laid down by others. They're confused by the fact that the pursuit of some indefinable thing is more important to me than life itself.
Hmph, I say! Hmph!
My nose is cold . . .