Well. I've lasted through the whole night. I see the sun now.
Puts me in the mind of one of the first instances where I stayed up all night--when I was explicitly rejected by Jennifer Polinsky, a girl who I'd had a crush on for a little while. I remember I stayed up all night reading De Profundis
by Oscar Wilde. And as I got to know Jen better after that, I discovered that De Profundis
was in many ways a peculiarly pertinent read--for many of Bosie's vices bore similarities to Jen's. As did the basic core of shallowness aspect.
My friendship with trisa
came out of that experience, which is one of the reasons I still consider it a valuable experience, in spite of the fact that when I see trisa
now, it's only in class, and she speaks to me only to inform me that's she's going to the bathroom, lest I mistake her walking in my direction for an actual interest in talking to me.
Gods, it's freaky. Just a couple weeks ago, we were like bosom buddies. I was making her waffles and we were talking about going to Disneyland. Then in less than two weeks, she seemed to disintegrate inexplicably into a cloudy, complete and utter contempt not exactly for me, it seems, but for our friendship.
Why can't we all just . . . get along?
I remember--after that awful night following Jen's rejection, and the somewhat enlightening and wonderful experience of De Profundis
, I had this weird desire to see a romance movie of some kind. I didn't even care particularly if it was good (or so I thought). And it just so happened to be opening day for a Richard Gere/Wynona Ryder film the name of which escapes me. And, despite the fact that this mouth of mine has informed people time and time again that you can't base a prediction on a movie’s quality on who's in
the movie, only on who directed
the movie. Now, it's true, I don't actually like Richard Gere much, and the movie was directed by Joan Chen who, although I was unfamiliar with her directorial work, she was a cast member on Twin Peaks
, meaning she'd worked with a good director at least. But still, I felt it was tragic irony.
I'd wanted a movie to make me feel good again about the fact that people fall in love. Instead, it only made me feel more like it was all a sham.
Anyway. I did
decide in high school that I was gonna be pretty much celibate. Maybe I should just stick to that, huh?
Blah. The poor animals. I took the dog, Hershey, for a walk just now. This was, in fact, the reason I stayed up--my aunt's out of town, so I must needs care for her furry friends. I figured it would be easier for me to stay up until
6am to walk Hershey than it would be to get up at
6am to walk Hershey. And I stand by that.
I pretty much just let Hershey lead me about the “lake” (actually it’s just some huge ditch everyone, including the flora and fauna, treats like a lake). I watched mist wafting off of the surface of the water.
A man walked past me, and I responded to his, “Good morning,” with a “Good morning,” of my own, heartier and happier than I’ve said “Good morning,” in a long time.
So good, I say. I guess I feel good.
When I brought Hershey back, it was right then that he and the cats seemed to abruptly realise that Rumi (my aunt) wasn’t coming back any time soon, and everybody panicked. But I’ll leave them to their poor fretful meows, grumblings, and pacings. Because I gots to sleep now.