January 22nd, 2014

Cary Phone

Warm Stratosphere

Just got off the phone with a guy from my cable company who tried to get me to change from my current 40 dollar a month plan to a 106 dollar a month plan.

"What kind of shows do you like to watch when you're at home?" he asked.

"I don't own a television," I said.

"I see. What kind of internet do you have?"

"Cable."

"Okay," he said, "I can't get you a package with internet, a landline phone plus HBO and Showtime, plus free DVR."

"I don't own a television," I said.

"Oh?" he said adopting a sly tone. "If you don't own a television what do you have cable for?"

"I use the internet."

"Oooookay," he said as though I'd said something incredibly ridiculous but wasn't going to waste time fighting with this obvious madman.

He seemed slightly angry for the whole conversation. I don't think he feels appreciated.

At 8am, I received a call from another angry person, a woman this time, whose speech was almost incomprehensibly slurred: "ha'osirur cephonenum'ur-ranmum-y-shosewinree coupon foryinrested in that?"

"I'm sorry, I couldn't understand what you said."

She sighed. "Your cell phone number wasramumishozenfreetravulcoupon are you interested?"

"Are you sober?" I asked.

A pause, "What?"

"Have you been drinking?"

She sighed again, "Are you interested?"

"No thank you," I said.

"Can I ask why not?"

"I think you should sober up." I suggested. "Maybe have some coffee or something?"

She hung up.

I had two dreams last night--in the first one, NASA was developing a way to send astronauts back to Earth naked and without any sort of vessel in order to cut costs. They chose Rob Corddry as a test subject because his bald, slightly pointed head was deemed aerodynamically most suited. I think he survived at the end of my dream.

I also had a dream where I drove a great distance into desert after the Apocalypse. My car broke down so I entered a casino run by Russian mobsters and got in a fight with a short guy in a really nice grey polyester suit. I realised I was wearing a similar suit. I won the fight after a few punches, marvelling that my knuckles didn't feel particularly sore. No-one in the casino paid any attention to the fight.

Twitter Sonnet #588

Faded verdant painted clouds are culling
Lemon rinds too thin for taking seed's side,
Where vacuum pulled a gold canine filling,
Tongueless, castanet scaled wyrms dance outside.
For flavour moguls who deny power
Waiting room recipes blacken timers
When unused glasses show a lost hour
And the minutes remain in stove summers.
Octopus steam suns blister horizons
Roughly cut from bad aquarium food,
Muddy electric liquid liaisons
Charged with changing funds to sycamore wood.
Seven hour ignitions start the car.
Benevolence dreams flares from the pink star.