I. Demographics! Who the Hell Are You?
1. Name (Pen, Stage, or Birth):
Bone Saw Setsuled
3. Relative Age (Fresh, Young, Serious, Mature, Classic, Eternal, Etc.):
4. Your Talent:
5. Achilles' Heel:
6. Claim to Fame:
7. Select Your Celebrity Status (A-List Trashy / A-List Respected / B-List Respected / B-List Trashy / Has Been / Cult Figure / Other?):
Pitied and feared reclusive monster.
8. "I've always considered myself part of the [blank] era/generation/movement!"
II. Achievements! What the Hell Did You Do, anyway?
9. Best Moment of Your Career:
Using canals of blood to enlarge Pluto to indisputably planet size.
10. Most Undervalued of Your Work:
The time I mixed Coke and Pepsi.
11. Most Embarrassing Moment of Your Career:
Getting upstaged by Rose McGowan when we both show up naked to the Oscars.
12. Celebrity Best-Friends-Forever!:
13. My Celebrity Hook-Up:
14. My Celebrity Date:
15. My Celebrity Baby Mamma/Daddy:
The queen alien.
16. The Tabloids say you're "Normal!" Why?
I know how to whistle.
17. The Tabloids say you're "Not!" Why?
I called the police so they'd catch me masturbating in the same porno theatre in which Pee Wee Herman was caught.
18. Top of the World, Ma!:
Proclaiming my home a new pole.
19. How It All Went to Hell:
Infiltrating Al Qaeda to shave and apply makeup to Osama Bin Laden while he slept and uploading the photos from a traceable source.
III. Swagger and Influence! How Would You Behave?
18. Choose a Charity:
19. Choose an Endorsement:
The United Nations.
20. Choose an Original Product Line:
Athletic erotic lingerie.
21. Choose your Felony Conviction:
22. Choose a Social Agenda:
Universal computer access.
23. Five People/Things You'd Crush With Your Immense Power:
B. Old food.
D. Bed springs (yeah, baby).
24. Five People/Things You'd Exalt With Your Immense Power:
25. Stun or Scorn the Red Carpet?
Stun. With my flesh.
26. Flirt or Fight with the Media?
27. When the chips are down, who's got your back?
28. Whose back do you have?
IV. Overexposure! What did you Teach Us?
29. A Cable TV company wants you to Host! Select the Five to Ten Best Movies You'd Make Everyone Watch!
A. Citizen Kane
B. The Red Shoes
E. Out of the Past
F. The Lady Eve
G. Dead Ringers
30. A Talk Show host wants you to Inspire! Select the Five to Ten Best Books You'd Make Everyone Read! (Subdivide into Fiction, non-fiction, genres, etc if you like.)
A. Tales of Pain and Wonder by Caitlin R. Kiernan
B. Singing Innocence and Experience by Sonya Taaffe
C. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen by Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill
D. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
E. Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs
F. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
G. The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. LeGuin
H. The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath by H.P. Lovecraft
I. Red Harvest by Dashiell Hammett
J. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
31. Music Executives want you to Curate! Select the Five to Twenty Best Albums/Songs Everyone would be Better Off Hearing. (Again, subdivide if you like)
A. The Empire Strikes Back soundtrack
B. Vauxhall and I by Morrissey
C. Boys for Pele by Tori Amos
D. Blood and Chocolate by Elvis Costello
E. Kind of Blue by Miles Davis
F. Anything Charlie Parker
G. Monk's Dream by Thelonious Monk
H. Unknown Pleasures by Joy Division
I. Post by Bjork
J. Sleeping Beauty by Tchaikovsky
32. Mainstream Journalism wants you to be Introspective! Select the Five to Ten Most Influential/Inspiring People In You Life!
B. The good goddess.
C. The bad goddess.
D. Stephen Colbert.
E. The talkative ghosts.
33. Your Biographer Wants You to Do Her Job For Her! Select the Three to Ten Most Memorable Moments of Your Life!
A. Realising I had powers.
B. Getting framed for my attorney's death, and realising the law was in no way up to serving the people.
C. Beating Super Mario Brothers.
34. The Digiterati Want U +00 B 1337! Select Five to Ten Websites People should be looking at almost Daily.
35. YOU want people to recognize! Select Five to Twenty Best Somethings! (Restaurants, Directors, Cars, Porn Stars, Whatever!)
A. Shredded chedder/jack cheese.
D. Thai cocoanut ginger noodles.
G. Atomic super women.
J. Atomic super water.
V. Retrospective! How Cruel is History?
36. Who eventually betrays you?
William Mark Felt Sr.
37. Who saves you from yourself?
38. Who ends up with all the money?
39. When you disappear from the public eye, where do you go?
The public occipital lobe.
40. Name five other celebrities who will be tapped to talk about you on the cable documentary show.
A. David Blaine
B. Princess Masako
C. Princess Tenko
D. Bindi Irwin
E. Robert Greenwald
41. How do you make your comeback?
As a jewel thief with a heart of gold.
42. How are you always remembered?
Firing synapses in the brain.
43. Will they ever recognize your true genius/beauty/soul?
44. The Big Debate over your life/career/work is:
How to safely reach my tomb.
45. Your mortuary monument. What distinguishes it? Witty phrase, great sculpture, or mysterious inability to locate, etc?
46. Splurge! Five to Ten things you'd buy with your STUPENDOUS wealth.
B. The Christian Coalition.
C. The Illuminati.
D. The Free Masons.
E. The Mall of America
47. Name Your Celebrity Nemesis: