What a pain in the variety-of-places. Once I got my check card, the web host I originally wanted ended up wanting about a hundred dollars up front (for its supposed $7.95/month plan). Then the web host I did get ended up being down all night. And I was originally gonna charge money for some of the content, but that didn't work out, but I figured there's really not enough to charge money for yet anyway.
But, basically I've emerged from this infernal struggle victorious! So, please, do behold.